


Maybe

by pgk



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Drinking & Talking, Drunk!Kerry, F/F, LGBTQ Female Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27568792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pgk/pseuds/pgk
Summary: An ER Ladies’ Night quickly devolves when suddenly Abby finds herself alone with an over served Kerry Weaver.
Relationships: Abby Lockhart/Kerry Weaver
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	Maybe

The Mexican bar was exceedingly loud for a Wednesday night, Abby noticed when she walked into the bar after her shift, the hoards of people making it difficult for her to make her way through to the back where she could hear the familiar voices of her coworkers shouting above the rest of the noise. She stopped at the bar, grabbing a soda water with lemon, before pushing her way through various frat boys and college girls until her eyes eventually fell upon the group of women from the ER.

“How many am I getting?” Sam asked, standing and doing a headcount before moving toward the bar. “Dr. Weaver, you too?”

The redhead lifted her eyes from where they were trained in the martini glass gripped between both of her hands and nodded. “Why not!”

Abby’s eyes widened as she chuckled at the scene in front of her. The party had obviously started long before she arrived, if the intoxication level of her coworkers was anything to go by. Abby loved Ladies Night, when the women of the ER all managed to sneak away from work and enjoy a night of low-stakes, occasionally inappropriate fun. The group had grown in the last few weeks, now that Kerry had stepped down from her position as Chief of Staff and was once again merely a lowly attending in the ER. Abby was finally back, as well, after sitting the last few out as she got later in her pregnancy and then dealing with a preemie, then a baby at home. She was relieved to have a night off, however, with Luka staying home with Joe and giving Abby a much needed night to herself.

The ladies welcomed Abby as she squeezed herself on the couch in the corner of the lounge area between Chuny and Haleh. She watched with amazement as the nurses gossiped about the love lives of the residents, Neela’s face turning bright red at the mention of two out of three of their victims. She couldn’t help it when her gaze drifted back to Kerry, who was intently watching the same conversation but her eyes were slightly glazed over and Abby wasn’t sure if she was following along at all, the empty martini glass in her hand most likely having something to do with it.

It was nice having Kerry join them, they had all agreed. Abby especially enjoyed the additional time with the older doctor, getting to see an entirely different side of her that hadn't always been attainable to those Kerry worked with. It had been years of watching this woman be so tightly wound, she seemed almost like a different human now that she didn’t have to be in charge anymore. Abby wondered if Kerry found it to be worth it, what she had given up for the position, for the power. Abby didn’t think it would be worth it to her, and she definitely regretted all the years they'd lost out on, all the years that they could have gotten closer, developed a deeper relationship. They'd wasted so much time.

Sam returned with a burst of energy, seven shots of tequila, and seven lime wedges. She deposited the tray - obviously stolen from the waitstaff - on the table in the middle of their group and each woman grabbed their shot and prepped themselves, licking and sprinkling salt on the back of their hands. When everyone seemed to be ready, Neela held up her shot.

“What are we toasting to?” Sam laughed, the contents of her shot sloshing over the sides of her glass.

“MEN!” Neela exclaimed, and each of the women laughed and toasted in solidarity. A blush crept into Kerry’s cheeks, obviously not reciprocating the same feeling toward that particular subject, but threw the shot back nonetheless. 

“Okay, thas’ it for me.” Kerry slurred slightly, wiping her face with the back of her hand and setting her shot glass and lime rind on the table. “Any more and someone will have to carry me out of here.”

“Oh, come on, Dr. Weaver,” Chuny said, rising out of her chair with her empty beer bottle, picking up Kerry’s martini glass in the process. “One more, it’s on me.” Chuny didn’t wait for a response but moved swiftly back to the bar and the bartender she had been flirting with all night. Abby watched Kerry’s reaction, which moved swiftly from frustration to resignation, the first few drinks obviously having softened her reserve. Kerry noticed Abby looking at her and spoke loudly over the noise in the bar.

“How’s Joe?” She asked, sitting forward with her elbows on her knees, trying to get closer to Abby to hear her better.

“He’s good, Luka is with him tonight.” Abby shouted back, taking a sip of her drink. “I can’t wait to hear how it goes, Luka hasn’t had many nights alone with him yet.”

“Oh, he’ll be fine,” Kerry waved her hand, not worried about Luka’s fatherly skills. “Luka showed me the new pictures the other day, he’s already getting so big.”

Abby nodded, she was certainly surprised at how quickly Joe was growing - she’d heard people talk about children growing in a blink of the eye but it was different when it was your own. “How’s Henry?”

“He’s great,” Kerry beamed. Talking about her son seemed to light her from within and her smile took over her whole face. “He’s with his grandparents tonight, probably being spoiled beyond compare.” Chuny returned then with Kerry’s martini and Kerry received it gratefully. “ _ This _ is it. Don’t let me have more.” The group of women snickered as Kerry sipped the over poured drink before attempting to set it on the table without making a mess. It didn’t take much to get Kerry to loosen up when she started drinking, but she was normally fairly strict about how much she allowed herself to have when she went out. Tonight, obviously, exceptions had been made.

“We should get the boys together,” Kerry said suddenly. “I know Joe is, well, a  _ baby _ . But, it would be fun. Henry loves babies. He talks about wanting a brother all the time.” Despite the smile on her face, Abby noticed a flash of sadness cross over her eyes. She didn’t know what Kerry and Sandy’s plans were in regard to more kids, but she knew whatever their plans were, they didn’t pan out. 

“That’d be great,” Abby agreed, her attention slightly grabbed as Neela, Sam, and Hope exploded into laughter on the opposite couch. Their conversation tapered off, distracted by the various conversations around them and bidding Haleh a goodnight as she noticed the time and headed home. Kerry rose from her seat and assumed the spot beside Abby that Haleh had just abandoned. She leaned back into the corner of the couch and enjoyed the vantage point it provided, allowing her a view of the entire group of women. She watched Hope and Dawn giggle over their crushes, she watched Sam and Neela goad Abby on about Luka, she watched Chuny bounce from conversation to conversation without missing a beat. She envied their deep rooted friendships. Kerry was happy to be included now, and finally felt comfortable joining their nights out, but still felt a slight barrier between herself and her coworkers. Though perhaps it had more to do with her own internal boundaries than it did with any restrictions their working relationships brought them.

But for now, Kerry cozied herself into the worn out leather cushions and allowed the warmth of the camaraderie to flow through her, sipping at her third dirty martini of the night. 

“What about you, Dr. Weaver?” Hope asked, the other girls beside her open mouthed at her uncharacteristic ballsiness.

“Whad’about me?” Kerry sat up slightly and set her martini down. She could use a little break from it, she decided.

“Who do  _ you _ have a crush on at the hospital?” Hope credited the shots of tequila for the confidence she had to ask this particular question to the former Chief of Staff.

“At the hospital?” Kerry’s eyebrows shot up. “Nobody!” She tried to convince them, shaking her head dramatically until the motion proved to make the room sway around her. 

“Nobody? You can’t be serious.” Dawn laughed, taking a sip of her drink.

“I am!” Kerry’s voice rose in pitch as she defended herself. “I don’t have crushes.”

“That’s a load of shit,” Sam provoked her, adjusting her position on the couch opposite the red headed doctor.

Abby’s eyes flashed between Kerry and the young women hounding her.

“Have you  _ ever _ had a workplace romance?” Sam asked, the idea of uncovering a sordid story in Weaver’s past exciting her.

“No,” Kerry assured them, retrieving her drink and taking a long sip.

“That was a big gulp for someone who’s telling the truth.” Sam said and everyone, save Kerry, laughed in agreement. Kerry’s eyebrows went up and she shrugged. 

“I’m not as exciting as the rest of you,” she insisted, taking a mirrored sip to her last, her martini already halfway gone.

“You must be forgetting that some of us have worked with you for a long time.” Chuny added pointedly, adjusting her position on the arm of the chair Dawn was sitting in. “I seem to remember a man from your past.”

“A  _ man _ ?” Sam’s eyes widened in excitement.

“His name was Dr. West and he was this doctor from this, I don’t know, admin organization or something. And he and Kerry went out for months and they thought no one knew-”

“No, no, if you’re going to tell it, tell it right.” Kerry interrupted, her eyes drooping slightly as the last few gulps hit her system. “We knew everyone knew.”

“What happened?” Sam asked, intent on getting the whole story, sitting forward in her seat.

“Well, to start, she’s  _ gay _ ,” Chuny laughed, flashing her eyes toward Kerry to insure she hadn’t offended her but when Kerry laughed as well, she relaxed. “And something went wrong with the deal, or merger or whatever. God, it was almost ten years ago, I barely remember anything aside from how tall this guy was.”

All eyes turned to Kerry as she nodded, her cheeks turning red again, though from embarrassment or the alcohol, she wasn’t sure.

“And that was it? One guy, ten years ago?” Hope asked. 

Kerry and Chuny simultaneously said yes and no, respectively, and each shot daggers at each other. “Do you wanna tell this one?” Chuny challenged.

Kerry took a beat, chewing on her lip before taking another sip.

“It was another doctor. A psychiatrist.” Kerry looked everywhere but at the faces looking back and wondered if Abby already knew where this story was headed.

“Not DeRaad?” Dawn asked, slightly horrified.

“No, God, no.” Kerry was close to finishing her drink and swirled the remaining bit in the glass. “This doctor, they’re not here anymore, they left years ago. They left… when we ended, actually.”

Abby’s eyebrows crept up as she put the pieces together - she’d heard whispers and gossip but it was different getting it from the source.

“Who was it?” Sam asked excitedly, finishing her own drink and setting the bottle on the table. 

“Uh-” She hadn’t said this name in so long it almost hurt to produce the sounds in her mouth. “Legaspi. Dr. Kim Legaspi.” 

“YES I was hoping it was a woman!” Sam shot her arms up victoriously and fell back into her chair.

Kerry ventured a peek at Abby, looking for some sort of response, but there was nothing readable on her face aside from a general interest in the story.

“What happened?” Neela asked this time as Sam recovered from her victory.

“I wasn’t out,” Kerry shrugged. She’d thought about it many times over the years, about what exactly happened between them, and all signs pointed back to Kerry and her own inhibitions, though Kim certainly did not have a lick of patience for her. “You would have thought as a psycha-psychi-atrist,” she stumbled over the word, “that she would have had an easier time understanding that it was hard for me.” Kerry pursed her lips and took a beat, the temperature over the group growing solemn for the briefest of moments before she spoke again. “This is sad. Why are we talking about this?”

“Because, we wanted to know if you had any crushes and you wouldn’t confess them.” Sam clarified, rising and grabbing her empty bottle. “I’m ready for more shots, anyone else?” Hands were raised and yeses were vocalized; among them, Kerry’s voice, reasoning with herself that another shot would make the interrogation more bearable. 

“Chuny, Dawn, Kerry, Neela, Hope, aaand me,” she counted. “I’ll be baaack.” As she moved toward the bar, Abby caught her arm.

“Don’t you think Kerry has had enough,” Abby said pointedly as Kerry spoke to Neela, Kerry’s eyes barely half way open as they laughed. 

“Hey, she said she wanted one.” Sam raised her hands (and by proxy, her empty beer bottle) defensively. “Do you want to tell Dr. Kerry Weaver ‘no’ because I’m sure as hell not going to. Besides, she’s fun when she gets like this and I want to know who she has a crush on.” Sam gently pulled her arm out of Abby’s grasp and continued on her way to the bar. 

Abby resumed her position watching the older woman. While she knew Kerry would eventually be embarrassed to recall this particular night, Abby couldn’t help but take enjoyment in the glimpse of a less guarded Kerry. It wasn’t often she’d seen Kerry let loose, though from the high stress job in addition to being a single mom, Abby couldn’t blame her. She was glad to see Kerry still had it in her to let her guard down, even if it required the assistance of many, many alcoholic beverages. Next time, Abby thought, she’d try to get Kerry out alone, without the distraction of the gossiping younger women, and she’d really get a look at who the real Kerry was, someone she had been dying to uncover for many years now.

“I’m not answering that,” Kerry shook her head, another blush creeping from her neck to her cheeks as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Answering what?” Abby had tuned out but couldn’t help insert herself back into the conversation, Hope and Dawn’s ears perking up as well.

“I asked Dr. Weaver who out of the group of us was her type,” Chuny laughed, she’d known that would embarrass Kerry but she couldn’t help it.

“Yes, I want to know!” Neela added. “We’re quite the eclectic group, one of us has got to be your type.”

“This is inappropriate!” Kerry exclaimed, laughing in embarrassment.

“Why? We’re just a group of friends hanging out after work! It’s not like you’re the Chief of Staff anymore!” Chuny insisted. Abby watched in amazement, appreciating her sobriety as she watched her friends make asses out of themselves.

“No,” Kerry shook her head, adamant against answering the question, her arms tightly crossed over herself. “I’m not answering that.”

“Maybe you will after this,” Sam descended out of nowhere, handing out the shots one by one, the look on Kerry’s face making it clear that she did not remember ordering another shot. Each of the women grabbed their shot and tossed it back without waiting for the others to be ready, the coordination of the night obviously thrown out the window.

Sam took the empty spot beside Abby on the couch and nudged her arm, gesturing with her chin to Kerry as she sloppily threw her shot back and proceeded to bite her lime. Sam laughed watching stray trails of tequila run down the sides of Kerry’s mouth and Abby turned to her.

“She’s going to hate you tomorrow.” 

“I have tomorrow off, so I will be safe at home.” She raised her eyebrows and threw her own shot back, Abby shaking her head and finishing off her soda water. The other women cackled across the table but Abby watched as Kerry seemed to go inward, and judging by the look that crossed Kerry’s face, that last shot of tequila wasn’t settling well with her.

Abby rose from the couch with her empty glass, moving toward the bar for a refill. She returned with another soda water for herself and a water for Kerry, which she placed in front of the redhead who was again sitting forward with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands, but her eyelids were drooping from exhaustion. If Abby remembered correctly, Kerry had already been on when she’d gotten in that morning at 8 and it was nearing midnight now.

“Kerry,” she caught her attention, watching with slight concern as Kerry’s response time was certainly lagging much longer than usual as she turned her head in the direction of her name. “I grabbed you a water.” She pointed to the water in front of Kerry and Kerry turned back toward the glass, reaching forward with desperation and bringing the straw to her lips. She mouthed a ‘thank you’ in between long sips and soon the glass was empty. Kerry began to try to bring herself to her feet but was obviously a lot more intoxicated than she believed herself to be.

“I’ll get you a refill,” Abby stopped her, grabbing her glass and going back toward the bar. She would try to get Kerry to finish a couple glasses of water before heading home, knowing that Kerry lived alone and Abby did not want her to suffer through an outrageous hangover by herself. She hoped desperately that Kerry did not have work the next day.

By the time Abby returned to the group, everyone was putting on their coats and finishing off their drinks.

“I have to be on at seven, I really should go.” Chuny was telling the group, pulling her cable knit sweater over her head.

“I’m going to head out too, we can take the El together.” Dawn said, rifling through her bag to find her change purse, ensuring she had enough change to buy a pass for the train.

“Maybe I’ll take the El with you guys too, I think I spent all my cab fare on tequila tonight.” Sam regretfully confessed, making sure she still had the entirety of the contents of her purse before rising from her seat. 

Abby placed the new water in front of Kerry who, again, picked it up and drank from it desperately. 

“Dr. Weaver, are you taking the El too?” Hope asked as they began to move away from the couches. Before Kerry could stop herself from her rehydration, Abby responded.

“I’ll bring her home,” she assured the group, Kerry looking up briefly before a grateful smile engulfed her face around the straw in her mouth. “You guys get home safe.”

They all said their goodbyes as the group left the bar, leaving Abby and Kerry alone on the couch. Kerry got about half way through the glass of water before setting it on the table and leaning back again into the corner of the couch.

“I feel like shit.” She admitted, though in comparison to the way she knew she would feel in the morning, she felt great.

“Yeah,” Abby acknowledged, remembering very well the exact feeling Kerry was referring to, grateful to have left that particular way of life behind. “Do you still live in that building with the big windows in the lobby?” She asked, referring to the day she’d driven Kerry home a few years ago, after her miscarriage. She hadn’t been over since, but remembered distinctly the giant glass windows that looked in on the lobby that was still engulfed by Christmas decorations. 

“Mhm,” Kerry confirmed, allowing her eyes to close. “I don’t think they understand I’m too old to be drinking like this.” She murmured and Abby took the privacy of Kerry’s closed eyes to chuckle at the redhead.

“I think they’re just excited that you come out with us now,” Abby said sincerely and watched the corners of Kerry’s lips raise slightly.

“Thas’sweet.” Her words slurred together and she pushed herself back upright, reaching forward for her water again. They sat quietly while Kerry drank, Abby silently observing the chaos of the rest of the bar. “Were you surprised?” 

“What?” Abby didn’t follow, though she was impressed that Kerry had been as coherent as she was up to this point.

“About me and Kim,” Kerry looked down into her glass, fidgeting with the straw. Abby pursed her lips, thinking. 

“I think I was more surprised to hear you talk about it,” she answered honestly.

Kerry nodded slowly, though remembered quickly that drastic head movements were not her friend tonight. Thoughts swirled in Kerry’s head: memories of her time with Kim, and then some of her most private moments that Abby always managed to be around for. She laughed at the absurdity of her life thus far mid-sip and water sprayed around the corners of the straw in her mouth, completely catching Abby off guard who joined in the laughter as she grabbed napkins from the holder in the middle of the table and handed them to Kerry, dabbing a few on Kerry’s thigh where the leg of her pants got hit the hardest.

“What is so funny?” Abby asked, watching with amusement as Kerry laughed harder, setting the glass on the table and wiping her face with the napkins.

“My life,” Kerry admitted, her eyes tearing up from an overwhelming cocktail of emotions that lifting her inhibitions had allowed her to feel.

“Oookay, I think it’s time to get you home.” Abby shook her head, knowing Kerry would not be happy to remember losing her composure in public and Abby was almost nervous to see where this was going next.

“No, no wait Abby,” Kerry reached out sloppily for Abby’s arm, pulling her back down on the couch. “I wanna say thank you. You’re always here for me, whether or not I deserve it, your friendship. I- It means a lot, I don’t have a lot of friends.”

“Kerry, you have friends-” Abby began, entertained at the new knowledge that Kerry was a sentimental drunk.

“Would you be quiet,” Kerry swatted at her lazily. “I’m trying to have a genuine moment here.” The word genuine was barely recognizable but Abby knew Kerry well enough to be able to guess what she was trying to say. “I jus’ wanted to say… I… ” Kerry stopped herself, the last flicker of a lucid moment she had left that night stopping her from saying what she really wanted to. “Thank you.” 

It was clear to Abby that that was not the original end to Kerry’s sentence, and Abby was torn between wanting to pry and wanting to get Kerry home before she embarrassed herself. “You’re welcome.” Somehow, Kerry’s eyes seemed even bigger, even more green, and Abby had to shake herself out of staring, getting lost in them for a moment. She rose from the couch and collected her purse, pulling the strap up around her arm.

“Why don’t I jus’ call a cab,” Kerry suggested. She opened her purse and began rifling through it for her phone, dumping the contents of it beside her onto the brown leather couch.

“Kerry,” Abby watched the older doctor proceed to empty her purse, looking desperately for her cell phone that she herself had just dumped out in her search. Abby crouched down and gently took Kerry’s purse from her, filling it back up with her cell phone, wallet, chapsticks, pens, and everything else she had ravaged through. “Kerry, stop, I’m going to drive you home.”

Kerry looked up then, pouting her lower lip and shutting her eyes. “Thank you.”

“Come on,” Abby laughed, an intoxicated Kerry was so far out of character from what Abby had seen over the last 7 or 8 years working together and it was certainly a sight to behold. She held out a hand for Kerry who took it gladly and Abby helped her stand, trying to keep her steady even as she toppled a bit, her balance having completely gone out the window by her fourth drink. Abby double checked that nothing had been left behind by their party and they moved toward the front door, Kerry swaying slightly as they walked, and Abby parked her at a high top table while she moved toward the bar to pay her tab. She hoped the bartender would notice the heavily intoxicated redheaded patron leaning on the table behind her, and what she  _ really _ wanted to do was give him a lecture about over serving, but she knew they were in what was practically a college bar, and over serving tended to be a tip-able service. 

Instead, she paid for her two soda waters and collected Kerry, who had obviously been watching her from behind. Abby held her arm out for Kerry should she want it, noticing that Kerry’s limp seemed to be more pronounced under the influence of alcohol, though if that was her body reverting to the way she had walked for over 40 years of her life or her new hip giving her trouble, Abby wasn’t sure.

The busy, uneven sidewalk proved to be slightly challenging for the two of them to navigate, Kerry unable to walk in a straight line and Abby trying to keep her upright. Soon, they got to Abby’s car and Abby gently leaned Kerry up against it, unsure if she’d be steady on her own. She rummaged through her purse until she found her keys, unlocking the doors and beginning to move her sweater and the package of diapers she had picked up the day before out of the passenger’s seat. She threw them into the back and turned to Kerry, offering her hand to help her into the car. 

Kerry was laughing, again at something unknown to Abby, and Abby lightly pulled her up from against the car, Kerry slightly stumbling into her. Abby joined in her laughter as they fumbled against each other, Abby trying to organize the two of them beside the car until she could help Kerry into the passenger's side. 

“Come on, Kerry, work with me here,” Abby snorted, but that only made Kerry dissolve even further into incoherent laughter, leaning heavily into Abby as she tried to hold her up. Abby had Kerry’s elbows in her hands, keeping a steady hold on her until Kerry finally pulled back slightly, their faces no more than a breath away from each other. They lingered there for a moment as their laughter faded, and Kerry’s eyes searched Abby’s, for permission, for reciprocation of the energy she suddenly felt pulsing through her veins. 

There was the glint, the small flash in Abby’s eyes that told Kerry that she wasn’t dreaming, she wasn’t suffering from a liquor induced delusion. Briskly and lightly, Kerry brushed her lips against Abby’s. It happened so quickly that neither was sure it had actually happened, until Kerry lifted her arms out of Abby’s hands and suddenly grabbed Abby’s face, pulling her in and kissing her with a breathless passion that was unmistakable, unable to be suppressed any longer.

Before Abby knew what was happening, she raised her own hands to the back of Kerry’s head, pulling her closer and deepening their kiss, pressing her lips to Kerry’s, tasting the zest of the lime and the bite of tequila still lingering on her tongue. As the world spun around them, Abby realized that she didn’t need alcohol the way she used to, she needed  _ Kerry _ . She needed her desperately and this kiss was like getting her fix, overwhelming her body with a rush of serotonin and desire. It wasn’t until the next time she came up for air and the oxygen returned to her brain that she realized exactly what had just happened and she pulled away.

Abby didn’t need to say anything, tears had already begun pooling in Kerry’s eyes. She knew that what had just happened was wrong, a foolish mistake. She took a few steps back, leaning heavily against the car again before she found her voice. “I’m sorry.”

Abby didn’t know what to say, she couldn’t find the right words. She couldn’t find  _ any _ words. Her mind was still reeling. Kerry Weaver had just kissed her, and Abby had kissed her back. Abby wasn’t sure how much time had passed, how long they had kissed for, but it was enough time for the weight of the situation to fully hit Kerry who was trying as hard as she could to keep it together.

“No…” Abby began, unsure what to do with her hands, letting them hang at her sides. “No,  _ I’m _ sorry. You’re… you’re drunk, I shouldn’t have… I-”

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” It was the most sober Kerry had sounded all night, like their kiss had expelled every drop of alcohol from her system.

_ I kissed you back. I wanted it, too. I’ve been waiting for this moment for years. You mean more to me than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I never thought it would happen. It never felt like the right time.  _ “Me too.”

They breathed in their confessions, though they kept a comfortable distance between their bodies. Kerry couldn’t believe what she had just done, what she had ruined. One of the few friendships she had, one of her few confidants. Nothing could ever be the same, not now.

“But…” Abby continued. “I… have Luka.”

It was information Kerry already knew quite well; she’d watched that relationship grow throughout the years from a jealous distance. She’d had Sandy, she was happy, they had their family… but then Sandy was gone, and Kerry got to sit back and watch the only other person in her life she could see herself falling for, falling in love with… fall in love with someone else, right in front of her eyes, every single day. But this knowledge, this fact she was already painfully aware of, to hear it spoken aloud… 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Kerry’s lips formed an apologetic smile, tears running streams down her cheeks. She wished desperately that she had left well enough alone. It would have hurt less, for the idea of them to have remained that forever: just an idea. A theory. A 'what-might-have-been' . Instead of a ‘what-can’t-be.’ What shouldn’t be. What will never be.

“Maybe if…” Abby began, her heart shattering at the look in the redhead’s eyes. “Maybe if this had happened before the baby… before Luka and I-”

“Abby, stop.” She begged, she couldn’t take it. Every word embedded deeply into her chest. She’d hear these words every time she looked at Abby for the rest of her life. “Please.” 

Abby regretted her dry eyes; if only Kerry could see how much her heart was hurting, screaming. This type of pain, it was beyond tears. Or, it was beyond her own comprehension, and she couldn’t let it sink in. Not yet. This was something she’d think about at night, just as she would be falling asleep, listening to Luka’s even breaths beside her. That is when she’d cry. 

For what they could have been.

Abby held a hand out to Kerry. They couldn’t stand here forever, it was time to go home, Abby decided. Time to try to move on, pick up the pieces of whatever they were left with. Abby helped Kerry into the car, slamming the door with a little more force than she intended.

Kerry melted into the passenger's seat, her head spinning from… what wasn’t it spinning from? She watched as Abby began to walk around the back of the car, stopping and resting a hand on the tail light, leaning against the car and recovering her breath. Struggling, just like Kerry was.

Maybe… if it had happened before… maybe if Kerry hadn’t been so wrapped up in her work, stuck behind the wall she had built herself that barricaded her from her colleagues, her friends. Maybe if she had been more brave.

Abby returned to the car, opening the driver’s side door and climbing into the seat. The drive was silent; Kerry stared straight ahead and Abby only moving to check her rear view and side mirrors, merging lanes on the busy city streets.

Kerry reached up and briskly wiped away the last tear she would allow herself, refastening the lock securely around her heart… and as her hand returned to her lap, she felt warm fingers wrap themselves around her own and looked down. Abby’s hand gripped hers lightly, her thumb brushing against the back of Kerry’s hand almost imperceptibly. Kerry studied her hand, tracing the veins with her eyes until, finally, she allowed her vision to travel upward. Abby still stared ahead at the road in front of them, but Kerry’s eyes landed on her face just in time to see the first tear Abby had allowed herself as it rolled down her cheek.

It was surprising to neither of them how it all managed to work out, the timing of either of their lives having never quite lined up in their favor before, why would it be different now? But, who knows where their lives would take them from here. Neither one had expected this moment to ever come. Things change. People change. Maybe… someday, the road ahead of them would lead them back to each other.

Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> I am entirely convinced that if the ER writers were not too scared to make a widely beloved character bisexual, this would have happened in canon. Perhaps if the show was happening now we would have gotten to see this relationship evolve, but the way that Maura and Laura have spoken about wanting their characters together (that article where Maura says if she could make out with any character on the show she'd choose Kerry makes me weep) convinces me that they as actors at least had the thought in the back of their minds during some of their scenes together.
> 
> I thought this would be a little peace offering for the carnage that Home is currently going through, though this ended up being pretty depressing as well... I tried! Apparently pure fluff is not in my wheelhouse.
> 
> But I hope you all enjoyed nonetheless! I had a lot of fun writing it and pretending it was real.


End file.
